Social media is crippling. Being so connected has kind of made me uncomfortable with my own thoughts. I can’t have one thought or experience without feeling like I’m missing a tweetable moment or a great facebook status. It’s weird. I’m actually glad to get away from that. Not to say that I won’t continue to use all those platforms but I’m going to make an effort to be more cognizant of living in the moment.
I’m used to feeling out of place. But even this plane makes me feel that way. I fly a lot around the country, to and from school and other spots but not like this. First off this plane is mad big. Also I had a meal on the plane, which is really weird. The food was pretty decent and I had salmon and pasta. I even had a glass of red wine with it (sorry mama). I don’t know if that was the right kind of wine with fish or whatever but alcohol is nasty. It’s always been something I’ve avoided because of fear (mucho substance abuse in the fam) but the junk just doesn’t taste good. Ah well, it was an experience. They also gave me some socks and a blanket and a sleep blindfold thingy. Tight.
I keep having this feeling (I’m not even to Africa yet, lol) that I’m not supposed to be here. Not that I don’t deserve it because I know I put in work my whole life to get to the school I’m at and do the things I do but I feel out of place. Like someone is going to look at my passport and the Illinois, U.S.A. Birthplace is going to change to Roseland Community Hospital, The Hundreds, Ragtown, Chicago, or something and they’re going to send me back. They’re going to know that I’m some fluke, glitch in the matrix type of nigga. This is a lot of melodrama I know but it’s where I’m at right now. I’ve felt it before at Vanderbilt and at camp as a kid and even at Whitney Young but I’ve always been able to shake it. I wonder if that is how it’ll be this time.
On the ride to the airport my mom and pops were talking about Chicago Public Schools. About 90% of the kids who go through that system won’t finish college. I will. That makes me feel weird. Especially when you look at black males, the numbers are worse. The numbers are always worse. It made me think about how blessed I am to be where I’m at and also how bizarre. It’s empowering and terrifying simultaneously. When I’m at school people don’t always see me out at the parties or being social. Not that I’m a total recluse but I can’t do those things, at least not often. I don’t have the luxury to fail. I don’t have the luxury to pass. I have the responsibility to exceed. That’s what it is.
“a kamikaze in a danger zone far from home.”
- black thought